You have my Heart

I have been happy lately but all I feel is remorse later. I read a book recently, the Hero commits Suicide in the end and all that I’ve been thinking about is if he really deserved to be the center of the book because he gave up in the end. The character had embedded itself in me for the time that I had been reading and even though I knew the ending because of petty spoilers, I couldn’t help but hope. I had hoped that there would have been a change in the story-line by some meaningless miracle. I had been wronged yet again because the writer had already set a story for him, he was meant to die.

And my dismay, “I can’t save him now”

The Pastor said, “You would hurt no more” here I am trying to save myself again from drowning into my pool of thoughts.

My thoughts? “I want to leave soon”.

And in all my chaos someone’s been keeping me happy lately because he doesn’t know that I’m leaving. He has asked me for a forever with him but that’s so impossible because our story-line has been written too. I want to keep him happy, I want him to see my world that’s full of possibilities. Our conversations are bittersweet and as I try to note down all details of our day in my journal, I’m always afraid if I missed out any small detail because I would like to relive happy memories again when I come to an age where I open my journals to read and tell myself what an adventure of a life I’ve lived.

Something I would want him to know but wouldn’t say? “Show me what I’m looking for”.

Where have we met? When can we meet again? Will I see you again? Will your Future know me? Would you tell them I gave you happiness for even a short span of time? Would you tell them that you came crying to me? Can you be happy? Because our Goodbyes are just a dawn away. Can you never say Goodbye? Can I endure in your memory? I have so much to ask of you but you won’t listen to my inaudible distress as you only see your own miffed self and your own agony.

“You?” You’ve become my story. I’m used to your scent, it lives in my nose. I don’t know how to put into words what you’ve done to me and if you could see how truly happy I am with you, you’d be famished because you would want more. And I can’t give you what you need even when you assure me of all that we could be. I hope you know I adore our conversations that makes no sense when it’s past midnight. And even if I’m deep asleep I’d light up to just hear the many stories that I’ve heard before and later wonder if you just have so much time in a day to have so much happen to you in just a day.

You make me feel loved.

I’m sorry I’m not better for you because in all honesty, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m a troubled soul still not good enough for what I am to achieve and live for.

Tell me, would you remember me when someone else starts looking out for you? I don’t even know why I cry anymore. It’s crazy how someone can just turn your whole existence to a new perspective- a better view.

You would ask me how I noted this down if I can’t express anything in words but trust me this is not even a dime of how I feel. This is my little way of making sure you wouldn’t disappear from my world. Putting this down here makes you immortal to me.

I am so thankful for this intersection that we’re sharing now and when it’s time for us to move from this point, always know I’m just trying to live my best life out there. We will never meet again because no two lines keep intersecting.

D, I’m happy. I will always be happy for you. Sometimes we just have to accept whatever the writer has written for us because no matter what we can’t get out of his book. Whatever you do, I will cheer for you for a very long time.

The only thing I cannot be is your Sometimey.

And we don’t even know where we’re going;

This is it! I’m giving life one last good try, not to end things the way I thought I could but instead live my best life for the ones who think I’m going to terribly fail this very big test laid in front of me.

I will choose not to end my life just this way, I’m going places and meeting new people with the hope that one day when life gets the best of me, I will just have to take a step back and replay the memories and faces of all those whom I’ve met. And maybe then, I would have shown life that I’ve won. There will be stories of a Happy adventure and maybe a few Heartbreaks and some Heartaches to fill in between but in the end, everything will be just worth the wait  and while I expect life to throw me away in unusual places, I will still find a way to Suffice for the time that has been given like I was given a last try.

Everything that I own fits perfectly in a cardboard box, I just need the things that make me whole and those are tickets from where I’ve been. The tickets that would make my last days less painful and more adventurous because I might blend in way too much of what I had because age is cruel and it would try its best to baffle me.

And amid all my trials, there I’ll stand missing faces of people I know I won’t ever be seeing again. The face of an Old Lady I bought “Gulab Jamun” from in the streets of “Manali” or maybe the middle-aged man from “Jaisalmer”, who asked me to join for dinner in my stay at the “Sand Sam Dunes” or maybe just the Korean Traveler who I would never ever hear or see of again. From the North to the South and from the East to the West and back again to the East, I carry memories of people, and while some of them may be a little too unkind, some have shown me reasons why I shouldn’t end my sentence just yet. I had every reason to put a “Full Stop” to it all, to feel nothing but I just chose to use the “Semicolon” hoping Life will finally stop draining the best of me. I’m just not giving up, not just yet.

In the end, I might just write everything down here but that wouldn’t suffice for the time and the eyes and the life of all that I’ve seen. I might learn to live and I might forget the feeling of being held in places but I know it happened and I know I’ve felt it at that moment. So even if my memory plays me in time, you have been with me and I couldn’t have been more than thankful for the little bundles of Happiness I’ve found and a thing to call my own. This is just the beginning of something great.

“..And we don’t even know where we’re going.”

                                                         I am giving Life one last best try.

and I miss the month I’ve spent in the Summer that went by a little to fast.

We began in honesty

“I thought that I knew you”, the beginning of a story in which it’s chapter seems to take you to a place which isn’t yours, so you keep moving until you find that place you really belong.

My every story begins with an ending. It isn’t something I’m still used to. It hurts in places I can’t go. It hurts my heart very often if I visit places I shouldn’t have. With all those warnings and restrictions from my family and my friends, I still didn’t listen and followed the timeless path of regrets and hopelessness. Nobody can take me out from that place I’ve been dreading to leave. I’ve tried and I myself am the reason why I keep failing miserably into that hollow that drowns me in thoughts I dream of, in places I don’t wish to go, places I don’t know of that threatens me.

Maybe this wasn’t the story I wanted to be in but in all honestly, it isn’t a story I want to end. There should be an epilogue before it all ends and an endless sequel to what has begun.

I thought I knew people, I thought they could save me and keep me but this isn’t how it works and maybe I’m just a naive bird that can’t be caged.

Lost inside a memory

We’re all slowly parting ways too soon and I’m imagining that time will somehow stop or rewind again. At least that is what I hope for.

We’re constantly looking for meanings and in the process, we get hurt or we lose ourselves. I still remember the wishes I made as a kid but now as I grow older and try to see things in another perspective I also realize how selfish we can be when we make wishes. I used to wish for a better life when I knew that everyone had struggles of their own. However, as kids we can be the most innocent yet the most selfish beings. Since I grew up in a family with two brothers and two sisters I usually would end up as the kid with very much less attention from people around me. As parents, they always reminded us that they loved us all equally but that wasn’t enough.

My point is, recollecting these lost memories I’ve made some very bad rational decisions and it has really changed my point of view on life in many different aspects. Once, when we were kids I remember my brother being on defense for me from my mother whenever I made a mistake and as those memories tried to fade, circumstances would remind me of how much I didn’t value his time. He was always constantly indirectly reminding me to be the best in everything I wanted to do, which of course I didn’t give in a second thought and constantly got mad at him for driving me crazy and calling me names.

We used to have dreams together and always promised to keep Grandpa and Grandma happy. However, these dreams and memories are slowly fading away because time was being cruel to him and us. Growing up together I used to be jealous of him a lot because everyone around him were always happy and kept praising him whereas, I was the one who had to keep everything inside and somewhere in my heart I blamed him because it made me fear that I’d be stupid if I share my opinion with them. But as situations and time never stay on my side I’m always too late to realize what was mine and what never was.

I believe it is my decision that have led to such thinking that makes me miserable because I never once pondered nor gave a second thought about life’s decision and made wishes I never should have. If I knew that wishes could take away the only thing that kept me happy, I would never had made one upon the stars that gave me the slightest hope of being special because those wishes were never mine to ask for and maybe if I lived differently and more open and fearful to the ups than maybe he would have at least got a chance to say a proper goodbye.

Now, everything that I do or about to do always brings me to first base that is ask him to be my steps and for him to always guide me and be there for me.

In my dreams I’m lost inside a deep memory which I never can get back, like I’m living once again in an unknown zone but still beautiful. We meet in beautiful places and he has already built a bridge for us that is how I know he’s watching over us always. That dream was so beautiful that I dreamt it twice or maybe he took me there again. Regrets still haunt my memories but I promise we’ll be home again together someday.

My memories may fade and time as cruel as it is, might come to an end but I will never again give one chance to making wishes because it only leads to a  memory filled with regrets and guilt. Even if it takes a million years and even if the sky falls and if the Heavens open their gates I wish to cross paths with you again and I will never make another wish, for what was given was beautiful.

And I promise I will never again complain but be more like you. A young life gone early enters Heaven happily rejoicing and singing that’s what an old lady in Jotsoma told me once. Somewhere I was afraid wondering if he’d find his way but then I realized that you don’t need to find your way when a way has been already made by the love you gave. It’s a relief and yet a sad story because we know the ending of that dreadful and tearful morning. If we could only have this life for one more day maybe I’d say the things I never said. But I know one day we’ll mend the pieces of our broken hearts back together and maybe one day we’ll leave behind our regrets in those lost memories and once again live as we used to be.

We’re just some miles apart so never worry about the distance because it is written in books that surely, we’ll meet again, and I’ve got so much more to say until then.

If I can’t fly, I’ll walk but I will make sure to meet you again just like it was supposed to be.

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I get to be a year older than you were

Everyone has been busy making a life

Everyone shows that it’ll alright when it’s killing them.

Everyone is searching for you somewhere.

Everyone remembers you.

We didn’t forget you, we’re just stuck in our own tangled web while we try to play pretend. I won’t ask you to come home if you really find your comfort and happiness there, but don’t you see this brokenness. The cistern that held us has been dispirited.

How can tragedy be a theme for the season again?

But a swift quick stroll to my siesta is where I see you in a warm place and I sometimes muse on if you’ve forgotten to come home because you are somewhere playing football.

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my brother, I’m not afraid

I try to bury my pain in silence. I shed a tear in quietness whenever someone mentions your name. I wouldn’t show them how much a heart can take. I think of you when I see kids playing football because I capture a glance of you in those enthusiastic, fierce hearts. But I still can’t stop feelings from missing you.

Three months from now, I get to be a year older than you were. I get to grow older while you’re forever stuck in another time as if our zones have changed. As I live the age you couldn’t, I take your memories along with me wondering how you’d have made of each fleeting moment.

While you stay forever young in that age, I grow older each day because I get to live the time taken from you. The life you could have lived makes me want to barter my time with yours. Neither one of us would have to go through this gruesome pain.

It hurts to know your friends have graduated because you still have your uniform on ever since time stopped for you. I could carry every load but not the burden as heavy as losing you. From the bottom of my heart I shout a Thank You to the sky for giving me you as my brother and as a mentor. The value of life you taught me and the tenderness of loving, I wish to inculcate it to people who cross paths with me.

So here I write to all those disheartened, remember as you try to be the one you love, you can sometimes fall but you can continue to live on.

You are my pride and my joy. You keep me warm and happy.

Duplex life

I’ve been feeling so out of place lately. Why is it that depression is such a slippery slope? I’ve been doing well for months but now it feels as if that was the calm before the storm. Why do I keep falling 3 steps back when I move one step forward?

I am so young physically, but I keep draining and fall short too soon. I’ve been sharing only with my laptop because I feel that nobody around me wants to help me and won’t understand me. My friends and my colleagues are troubled on their own. I can’t call home because I promised to be better when I feel miserable. Somebody, someday please give me a pull from this dark pit that I am in.

I keep writing and keep examining myself, but it doesn’t help anymore. The only form of escape from reality seems to be drowning me in my own thoughts. In a place where many people surround me, I feel lonely and sad. This is all fake a facade now and my smile is at its own speed of reflex. The other day I texted my mom to tell her I miss her because nothing feels right at this moment but what else can I tell her when she’s been through a lot after my brother’s passing. I am loneliest these days and I miss my brother too much. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if circumstances changed and it was me who Died! Would people remember me fondly? Would my siblings miss me as much as they miss my brother? Would anyone love me as much as they love my brother still? Would Mummy often cry in my room? Would Dad write a short note and keep it in my shelf every time he missed me? Would Grandpa and Grandma erase my memory because they feel too sad? Would my friends keep sending me flowers? But most of all would they keep praying for me?

I am really lost, just trying to find myself is not helping me anymore. My grades are falling, and I can’t tell that back home. I just play cool and tell them I’m just as good as before. Everything is last minute done work now and I can’t be what they expect of me anymore because I have a new façade here. I’m a fake here because people judge too quickly, and I’m scared of being unaccepted here. I used to smile often but now I usually smile. I know I’ve changed but times change and maybe this is what I really am, a bottle filled with insecurities. I’m scared.

Now I’ll say the things I never said

7a4d3bec07f52fe7ae1166c4dc431792--love-mom-happiness-isI never shared about how much I hurt my Mother without her even realising.

I never said about how much Dad made me cry when he started out conversation over the phone saying, “Hello! My dear. How have you been?” And our call always ends with an unsatisfactory goodbye.

I never told anyone how it felt like to hold my Grandpa’s hand whenever I went back home for holidays and another when I had to leave. He always makes me feel bad for leaving.

I never knew how much it meant to walk with Grandma and listen to her unending explanations on everyday experience. It is through her I realise how short our time together is.

I never appreciated the time I spent with my siblings and that is the one biggest Regret.

I’ve never said about how much I hated and never ever looked at people the same way again once they show 2 shades no matter how petty the case maybe- this is bad.

I wish I could have been more mature to accept what I was and what I am. I miss everything I missed and it doesn’t even make sense. I wish I could push a button to set everything right but that won’t happen anytime soon right?