I have been happy lately but all I feel is remorse later. I read a book recently, the Hero commits Suicide in the end and all that I’ve been thinking about is if he really deserved to be the center of the book because he gave up in the end. The character had embedded itself in me for the time that I had been reading and even though I knew the ending because of petty spoilers, I couldn’t help but hope. I had hoped that there would have been a change in the story-line by some meaningless miracle. I had been wronged yet again because the writer had already set a story for him, he was meant to die.
And my dismay, “I can’t save him now”
The Pastor said, “You would hurt no more” here I am trying to save myself again from drowning into my pool of thoughts.
My thoughts? “I want to leave soon”.
And in all my chaos someone’s been keeping me happy lately because he doesn’t know that I’m leaving. He has asked me for a forever with him but that’s so impossible because our story-line has been written too. I want to keep him happy, I want him to see my world that’s full of possibilities. Our conversations are bittersweet and as I try to note down all details of our day in my journal, I’m always afraid if I missed out any small detail because I would like to relive happy memories again when I come to an age where I open my journals to read and tell myself what an adventure of a life I’ve lived.
Something I would want him to know but wouldn’t say? “Show me what I’m looking for”.
Where have we met? When can we meet again? Will I see you again? Will your Future know me? Would you tell them I gave you happiness for even a short span of time? Would you tell them that you came crying to me? Can you be happy? Because our Goodbyes are just a dawn away. Can you never say Goodbye? Can I endure in your memory? I have so much to ask of you but you won’t listen to my inaudible distress as you only see your own miffed self and your own agony.
“You?” You’ve become my story. I’m used to your scent, it lives in my nose. I don’t know how to put into words what you’ve done to me and if you could see how truly happy I am with you, you’d be famished because you would want more. And I can’t give you what you need even when you assure me of all that we could be. I hope you know I adore our conversations that makes no sense when it’s past midnight. And even if I’m deep asleep I’d light up to just hear the many stories that I’ve heard before and later wonder if you just have so much time in a day to have so much happen to you in just a day.
You make me feel loved.
I’m sorry I’m not better for you because in all honesty, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m a troubled soul still not good enough for what I am to achieve and live for.
Tell me, would you remember me when someone else starts looking out for you? I don’t even know why I cry anymore. It’s crazy how someone can just turn your whole existence to a new perspective- a better view.
You would ask me how I noted this down if I can’t express anything in words but trust me this is not even a dime of how I feel. This is my little way of making sure you wouldn’t disappear from my world. Putting this down here makes you immortal to me.
I am so thankful for this intersection that we’re sharing now and when it’s time for us to move from this point, always know I’m just trying to live my best life out there. We will never meet again because no two lines keep intersecting.
D, I’m happy. I will always be happy for you. Sometimes we just have to accept whatever the writer has written for us because no matter what we can’t get out of his book. Whatever you do, I will cheer for you for a very long time.
The only thing I cannot be is your Sometimey.